It seems as though there is never a day of good news. Well good or bad, the news must be told. So here is your weekly recap of the crazy highlights and totally non biased news.
Last week police busted famed actor and funny man Jerry Seinfeld buying cocaine from an international drug dealer. Apparently the California police had been following the Big Drug dealer (name not yet released) for months and a few weeks back got wind that Jerry had been heavily involved and dealing to several high profile celebrities. Jerry was caught with powder on his nose when police kicked in the door. Police says he offered them a guest spot on the Jerry Seinfeld show. Well that goes to show you that he was in fact high as a kite. Great show and offer Jerry, too bad it ended years ago. Paparazzi was on hand to take pictures but only able to get a picture of the police taking Jerry away, no word on what he is being charged with. But my sources tell me he will be living out his series finale after all only with Billy Bob the butcher instead of Kramer, Eliane, and George, and for way longer than a year
In other news, the serial animal rapist has finally been caught. After raping, molesting, and sexually abusing over 200 animals including dogs, cats, hamsters, fish, birds, and bunnies for a little over 2 years. Hooray! Don Brown was caught chasing a horse in Cedar Valley, California. The ranch owner shot him with a tranquilizer when he saw Don chasing his horse after Don had reportedly let him out of the stall. The ranch owner immediately called the police. Don suffered no serious injuries from the tranquilizers. Apparently Don was never really good with animals, and had many die while he was the caregiver as a child and young man and that is why he started sexually abusing them once he got older. It’s a darn shame when your children aren’t safe but what do you do when your animals are no longer safe. Peggy Lewis of Las Vegas says her poodle Bipsy was a virgin before Don got a hold of her. This appears to be the first case of its kind in the U.S; officials are holding Don for questioning, then a psychological evaluation before charging him. Well I would have to say the psychological evaluation is about 200 animals and 2 years too late. His sentence should be intensive therapy, it is no question whether he is crazy, it’s just a question of how did he get this crazy. People guard your animals.
Lastly a story I am happy to tell. The good news of the day! A woman was caught giving change to a homeless man in lower Manhattan. Of course we all know this is great news especially since the scared rich have been extremely stingy since the financial crisis that they caused. The homeless and hungry have been reportedly been passing away at numbers higher in lower Manhattan than any where else in New York. It is no surprise that this woman was a torurist from none other than St. Louis. Those darn St. Louis people are just too kind. The man was so happy he hopped up and kissed the woman, he though he was daydreaming.
Well that should do it for the weekly news rap up. Until next week, keep your children close, and your animals closer. Also people in lower Manhattan give up some money because I hear from a source that the homeless people are getting outraged and organizing a protest and they are prepared to get violent and sacrifice one another, are you prepared to do the same? I don’t think so. Also free jerry Seinfeld shirts are being sold right know at www.freejerrysienflied.com get them before his attorney gets him acquitted.
Editor’s note: For all my loyal readers none of this is true, this was an assignment per my professor, and I had to use these pictures.